Author Archives: Jessii

New Year, New Plan!

New Year, New Plan!

Let me start off by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I am sorry that I have not been around lately! My website actually got hacked for a while and it took my husband a bit to get it fixed. Apparently it was a pretty bad one. This seems like a silly site to even want to hack, but what do I know. Lol.

Here’s the thing. I know I have done horribly these past few months. Absolutely. I want to puke when I think about how I feel and how much weight I have gained. But rehashing those things and how disappointed I am in myself is not going to do any good. It will just make me depressed, which is something that I am prone to during the winter anyway. I definitely do not need to add to it. So, I am moving on. New year, new plan! I am going to be setting monthly goals, and maybe a couple of “end-of-the-year” goals too.

As far as exercise and eating go, I am keeping it pretty simple for now. I am drinking my water, tracking my calories, and moving my body. My shoulder has been doing a lot better the last few weeks and even survived me painting my bedroom and lifting a very heavy headboard. But I can still tell that it definitely needs to be a bit babied when it comes to certain things. So, I am going to take it “easy” with my workouts. I am going to alternate days between a Leslie Sansone walking DVD (or something else like that, as my DVD is currently MIA) and HipHopAbs. I am also going to throw in some other ab workouts and light weights here and there, to really get myself back in the groove. I am excited to see what this new month brings! I am ready to be focused again!

I also need to refocus in some other areas of my life. As a family, we need to find a church we’re comfortable at. And I need to get a better grip on handling a very opinionated three-year-old. With that being said, here are the goals I have figured out thus far.

January Goals

  • Stick with my exercise plan. I am not making it too hard on myself, as I really am restarting from ground zero. So I know that it is something I can do. I just need to actually DO IT.
  • Lose five pounds. Yes, I know that weight is not everything. Yes, I know that there are other tools to use to judge your health. But, honestly, I need to lose the weight. I am way up, I feel horrible, I have no energy, and I have an extremely poor body image right now. So yeah, I think it is ok to say I want to lose five pounds this month.
  • Track my calories, even if I end up going over some days. I still need to be accountable to myself.
  • Read my Bible. Just start with five minutes a day. It is way better than nothing! And I want to start incorporating a Bible reading time daily into my Zeeva time too.
  • Attend church every Sunday, weather permitting. If we try one and do not like it, then we will try another.
  • Sew our new curtains for our bedroom. Woohoo for a bedroom makeover!
  • Finish fixing up my new (old) nightstand. This involves fixing a broken piece, staining it, and finding some new knobs that we like for it. It is going to be awesome when it’s done and will look great in our new bedroom!
  • Figure out what I want my new weightloss goals to be. And a reward system.
  • Eat a lot of our meals from food we already have stored up.

  • Year Goals

  • Reach my weightloss goals.
  • Stick with it! Do not give up like I did in 2013.
  • Run another 5k. That was my best moment of 2013.
  • Vacation! Even if it is not far from here.
  • Finish SIX paintings! I did three last year, so I think I can do it!
  • Feel comfortable in my own skin. I am just about as far away from that as possible right now, and I hate feeling like this.
  • can some jelly. Lol… I know, this does not sound very exciting. But it is something that intrigues me and yet makes me very nervous. So it will push me out of my comfort zone for sure!
  • That is what I have for now. I may add to this list or change some things around. And I do not have a single problem with changing my goals as the year evolves. It is my life, after all. Sometimes things come along that make you adjust your thoughts.

    Do you have any goals you would like to share? Or any goals that you reached last year that you are particularly proud of?

    That Reset Button…

    That Reset Button…

    I had a meltdown this weekend. It was one of those moments when I realized, really realized, how much weight I have gained, what I have been doing to myself, how much sugar I have been putting into my pre-diabetic body, how few of my clothes fit, and how horrible I truly feel about myself. So yesterday morning, I mustered up my courage and stepped on the scale and started over once again. What I saw on the scale truly terrified me and made me want to puke.

    Is it conventional to start eating better and exercising on Thanksgiving week? Nope! But I absolutely had to do this for myself and I know that I will be successful. I had a great day with eating yesterday. And I even got in my first full workout since I injured my shoulder in early September! I started HipHopAbs and had to modify a few of the arm moves to compensate for my shoulder situation, but I made it through the whole workout and felt great afterward! I have never done this program and think I will like it… Something fun. :o) And Zeeva liked it too, she kept joining me periodically. So cute!

    So, I have officially hit the reset button, once again. It does not matter how many times you have to hit that button… It matters that you get back up more times that you fall.

    Thump, Thump, Thump…

    Thump, Thump, Thump…

    **thump, thump, thump, thump***

    Most of us know that noise well…

    **Thump, Thump, Thump, Thump***

    For me, the noise causes my pulse to race, and I dash through the house as the noise quickly grows louder…


    Yep… It is that stupid washing machine again!

    I had a stretch today where I was feeling a bit better so I decided to take advantage of it and make a bit of a dent in the housework that never seems to be caught up with these days. Zeeva insisting on rolling around on my germ-infested pillows and blankets may have had something to do with this. ;o) So I ran some couch pillows and my pillow case and blankets through the washing machine while I tackled the mountain of dishes that had somehow piled up, even though we have eaten out for pretty much every other meal for two weeks now. Yeah… How is that possible?? Anyway, at one point, the washing machine started getting off-kilter and making its lovely banging noise, which freaked Zeeva out a bit. I rearranged the very wet items and restarted the washing machine, only to have it get out of whack again. This actually happened several times in a row, which cause me to get very irritated. I started wondering if I was going to have to take some things out of the load, which made me wonder where in the world I was going to store the dripping items while waiting for the washer to be free again. So I tried one last time, this time completely taking everything out and then carefully relayering back into the machine, in the hope that it would be balanced this time. It was! Awesomeness! Zeeva even clapped for me when I closed the doors to the laundry area. :o) It does not take much to impress that girl.

    So, back to the dishes I went. But I kept listening carefully to the washing machine and thinking about what a pain it had been. And then I realized something rather profound. Today, the washing machine has been a lot like my fitness journey. I made it through the “wash” cycle perfectly fine… I lost 60+ pounds with no major setbacks in the first year and a half. I know, some people have lost that in a matter of months. But I think my way was better, it was a steady rate, and I did not have to do anything insane to lose it. But then I started getting a bit off-kilter with everything. And I started gaining a bit of weight back. Which threw me more off-kilter. I have tried several times now to “reset” myself, to mix things up and get back on balance. And, for the past two months, I have been dealing with an injury, family illness, a hubby with some intense work hours, raising a three-year-old, life craziness, my own illness, and now may be facing needing physical therapy for my shoulder. (Please, Lord, let that not be the case! Please!)

    I am ready to be balanced again. I am ready to take everything out of my washing machine, rearrange it to make sure it fits and is going to last the long-haul, and restart. As soon as I am done being sick, I am going to figure out what that is going to look like. I am currently working with a great friend and awesome wellness coach, and I have a feeling that her coaching is really going to help me out with this. She keeps reminding me that I am not currently in the same place that I was at a year ago… I cannot set the same goals for myself and expect them to work. I need to realign my thinking and my goals to where I am now. Even if I used to be able to easily do something, that may not be the case. Will I get back to where I was? Absolutely. And I have full confidence that I will get to my final goal. But if I do not slow down and take the time to make sure I am doing it the balanced way, then I am just setting myself up to get off-kilter again.

    Strep Throat Lessons…

    Strep Throat Lessons…

    Well, I currently have strep throat for the first time in years. I used to get it all the time when I was little and apparently my body decided that it misses that. Boooooo! This is definitely the worst that I have felt in years. But I have learned a few things today.

    1. Zeeva can down an ENTIRE bag of M&Ms in one doctor’s visit. Thankfully, she was so tired from not taking a nap yesterday that she still ended up napping for nearly three hours.

    2. I really can sleep in nearly any position while sick.

    3. The best meal ever for strep throat is from Taco Bell: soft tacos with lots of hot sauce followed by an awesome slushy. Talk about soothing to a sore throat! When I was younger, the guy in the office next to my dad was from India. I remember having to go to work with my dad a few times when I was sick and I have clear memories of Raj always trying to get me to eat spicy peppers when I was there. He said they would help. I never believed him until many years later. I so wish I had been willing to try it back then… Spicy food really does help when your throat is on fire!

    4. Another awesome form of “medicine” when sick is curling up on the couch next to my daughter, and relaxing while watching an old favorite movie. This is great any day but especially peaceful when feeling so horrible.

    I also have to share my favorite moment of the day… At the doctor’s office, any time the nurse or doctor was examining me, Zeeva would come over and hold my hand. Talk about heart melting! She is definitely a keeper! You will also be happy to hear that she gave Tinker Bell a full checkup while we were waiting for my strep results and she now has a clean bill of health. ;o)

    Follow-Up Time!

    Follow-Up Time!

    I promised that I would check back in and let you know how my day went so here goes!

    Afternoon update…

    Ugh! Feeling frustrated! I fully intended on (and WANTED to) work out today. But I appear to now be getting sick (my hubby is on day FIVE of this nasty cold/cough/flu thing) and have been feeling achy, dizzy and sore throaty all day. I’m really hoping for a nice long nap and that I feel much better afterward, so I can try working out then. (My shoulder is also aching again today, probably because of my overall achiness, so if I work out it will definitely be a gentle one.)

    But my food has been pretty good thus far today! No candy corn in sight! :o) So there is still hope for me yet.

    End of the day update…

    Zeeva decided to randomly be anti-nap today, plus my mind just would not shut down, so no nap for me. But we all did get out of the house tonight, despite being under the weather, and went to Lowe’s to look at paint colors for our bedroom makeover. (Have I mentioned that on here? We are doing a fabulous bedroom makeover for our Christmas present!) We also looked at the “holiday stuff”, as Zeeva puts it, which turned out to be the absolute best part of the day… Zeeva was in AWE. She absolutely loves all of it! So cute and precious to see! I am actually excited to decorate! But will be waiting until after Thanksgiving!

    With both adults under the weather, we decided that it was okay to go the easy way tonight and just grabbed Subway for dinner. Totally worth it. Unfortunately, my throat has gotten worse as the day has gone on, especially tonight. I cannot even drink water or tea without grimacing. So I drank a soda tonight, which was the only thing that felt semi-good on my throat. And I will be having ice cream. But I am in control. It is not a binge, like with the candy corn! ;o)

    Annnnnnnnnnd, I was feeling energetic enough after dinner that I actually worked out tonight!! I did my first workout in probably two months (stupid shoulder!) and tried out HipHopAbs! I like it! I was only able to do about half of the workout because all the breathing through my mouth made my throat feel like it was on FIRE but I am proud of myself! I would say that today was a fairly successful day, especially with being sick! I could have easily just written the whole day off, but I did not.

    I am even having my hubby pick up some carbonated water so I can drink that with orange juice tomorrow if my throat is still sore, instead of having to drink more soda. I am a work in progress but I am definitely making forward steps!

    Middle-of-the-Night Post! :o)

    Middle-of-the-Night Post! :o)

    There is nothing like being wide awake in the middle of the night for several days in a row because your mind keeps going in circles. So I have decided to be proactive and write a blog post to get he main topic off my mind.

    I have not been doing good with my eating. Or my exercising. So I am posting now more to keep myself accountable than anything else. I realized that I have not been posting on here as often the past few months and there might be a correlation between that and how I am doing on my fitness journey. Posting on here has been a way of keeping myself accountable… Right now, I am not being kept in check at all. I have even stopped using LoseIt. So I will be posting more from now on. In fact, this post is going to be a two-parter… Following this portion will be a follow-up on how my day went, good or bad. So here are my goals for today…

    Drink water! Three bottles. I have been severely lacking in this area and I think it may be part of why I have been feeling so insanely tired lately.

    Exercise! I have not tried a workout video in weeks, mostly because of my shoulder injury but partially from fear. I am not pretty attuned to my shoulder and can generally tell right away when it is going to start hurting. So I am going to plop in a DVD (I think HipHopAbs) and give it a whirl tomorrow. If I need to stop after a while or adjust the moves, then so be it. I just need to do something!

    No buying sweets! I have been HORRIBLE about this. I do not want to cut them out altogether because I tried that twice this summer and it majorly backfired each time. But I need to get a handle on it or I am going to really hurt myself. And I am not just talking about gaining weight.

    That is it. Those are my goals. I think they are pretty simple ones too, so I am looking forward to checking back in with you tonight and letting you know how the day went.

    And now, hopefully, I can get a good night’s sleep, knowing that I have finally done something to help me stay accountable.

    One Day at a Time…

    One Day at a Time…

    I feel like it has been ages since I wrote on here, but it has actually only been a month. And while I could say it is because I have been too busy being a mommy to an almost-three-year-old, I would be hiding from the truth. And the truth is, I am embarrassed. Embarrassed at how I feel. Embarrassed at how far I have fallen. Embarrassed at what I have done to myself. It is the truth.

    But I am taking my life back, yet again. I never thought that I would be where I am right now, but I cannot change things. I can only try to learn from my mistakes and move forward. And right now, I am taking it one day at a time, even one decision at a time. Today was not perfect by any means, but it was a lot better than yesterday was. And that is okay. I am not seeking perfection, I am seeking a way for me to live in harmony and moderation and be the best person that I can be. I need to once again be a good example to my kiddo. (Who turns THREE on Sunday!! I cannot even begin to process that!)

    I will get there.

    A Day Like Today…

    A Day Like Today…

    I have to tell you, it is so incredibly hard to get back into the habit of working out when you have not done it regularly for a while. It has only been like a month for me, but it is still insanely hard to get motivated, even to just take a walk around the neighborhood. Especially when I am ALSO trying to get back into the habit of eating better.

    I was not perfect today with eating. But I was waaaaay better than I have been, so I am definitely counting today as a win. And, I even took a walk this afternoon with my kiddo. It was an absolutely gorgeous fall afternoon too! The trees are really going to be majorly gorgeous around here soon!

    Now, I had told myself that today was going to be the day that I started Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred for the first time in years. But, honestly, I kept putting it off. I was too tired this morning. I did not feel very good after lunch. I had to make dinner after our walk. Then I started thinking about my walk… Really, that was enough exercise, right? It was more than I have done in about a week, and way more than I had done for the few weeks prior to that. Why did I even need to do it tonight?

    Away Satan! I needed to do it because I promised myself that I was going to do it! So, Zeeva got to stay up late tonight, while I did my workout. She drove me absolutely bonkers throughout the whole thing (tired kiddo and listening to her mommy when told she needs to not stand so close? Yeah, that is not a good combo. I was terrified I was going to clobber her by accident!). I even did it while baking some chocolate zucchini muffins. Lol. Apparently I am good at multitasking. And you know what? I feel great! It was a rough workout (especially when the jumping jacks made me painfully aware of how much weight I have gained in my tush and belly), and I am absolutely going to be way sore tomorrow, but it was so much easier than I remember it being back when I first got it years ago! In fact, I have full confidence that I will be able to finish the whole program this time!

    So, in summary, I am so glad that I did so good today! I needed a day like today!

    A Crazy Revelation…

    A Crazy Revelation…

    I had an interesting revelation about myself tonight. As a bit of background, let me start by saying that I gave a painting that I did to a friend today. She is pregnant and it is something I made for them to hang in her daughter’s bedroom. I even consulted with them, to make sure that I was going to paint something they would actually like. Everyone loved the painting at the shower, and even more people have now said so after they posted a picture on Facebook. Here is the crazy thing… I am still doubting myself and whether it is actually any good.

    Why in the world is that?? I grew up in a very supportive home, one that fully encouraged any endeavor I chose to partake in, from softball to art to singing to schoolwork in general. My parents never had a bad word to say, even when I chose to back out of a few things (did anyone else suddenly become a complete klutz once puberty had fully kicked in??). So I have absolutely no clue where this tendency for self-doubt comes from within me. And, I have something that is even crazier sounding… I actually do think that I am a decent artist (and a decent singer, for that matter). But I still doubt whether anyone else will actually think so. I do not even know how to explain this without coming off sounding like I am just asking you all for praise or something. In fact, I am really not wanting that at all.

    The revelation part of this whole thing (since none of this is new news for me) is that I think this actually relates to my weight-loss issues that I have had lately. In some bizarre and twisted way, I think that I have been sabotaging myself lately because I doubt whether I am actually worth it… Whether I deserve to be healthy. I will be honest… I have had a HORRIBLE week. I actually do not even know if I can put myself through the misery of stepping on the scale tomorrow. But I do know one thing… I will be getting in a major workout. I am stating right here and now that I will be doing a long walk tomorrow, plus I will be starting 30 Day Shred. And I will be eating healthy and tracking everything and drinking enough water. My reasons for doing this, even after having this revelation? Because, even if I am doubting in the deepest recesses of my mind lately whether I am worth it, I know in the very depth of my soul that my family is worth it. My daughter deserves to know what it is like to have a healthy mom. My husband deserves to not have to worry about his wife not being here. My family deserves to have many, many, MANY fun years with me.

    That is why I will do what I need to do tomorrow. I am promising myself and my family that right now.

    Weigh-In Monday…

    Weigh-In Monday…

    After a not-so-great end of the week last week (I was sick Wednesday, my parents had to put their dog to sleep Thursday, and Friday was filled with major allergies and a naughty toddler), Thomas and I were very much looking forward to our date night on Saturday. We did not do a whole lot of anything too exciting, but we did have a great time just being together and going to random places. I even broke my sweet-fast and had a very controlled ice cream cone. It was delicious. The only problem is that I then gave in to a major craving that I had on Sunday night and ate a HUGE bowl of cereal. Not great. And my tummy did not appreciate it too much either. But I have now decided that it is ok for me to have sweets again, as long as I am very controlled with it. If I cannot handle it, then I am just not allowed to have them.

    Before I get into how my weigh-in went this week, I need to address my weekly questions that I am asking myself…

    1. Did I overeat this week on any day? Unfortunately, yes. I ate way too much bread at dinner on Saturday and I have already confessed to my cereal mishap.
    2. Did I move more and exercise regularly? Nope. But I did get in a nice walk yesterday at a state park with my daughter and my parents. And I now have an official game plan for the rest of the month, which starts today. I am doing a squat challenge, plus some arm exercises. And walking whenever possible.
    3. Did I eat in secret or out of anger or frustration? Nope!
    4. Did I feel, at any time, that I ran to food instead of God? No. This is something that I am truly striving to do.
    5. Before I hopped on the scale, did I feel that I had a successful, God-pleasing week? Aside from overeating on the weekend a bit, I had a good week. But I do need to get back to my devotional. I have fallen off-track with that.

    Time for how my weigh-in went. I gained 2.9 pounds. But I have a definite non-scale victory… It is not phasing me in the slightest! I know that I may have gained a bit this past week. But I know I sure did not gain nearly 3 pounds. It just is not possible. So I know that a lot of that gain is most likely water retention. I actually wavered on whether I should weigh myself this morning, but made myself step on the scale. I am really glad that I did because not being down about my weight being up is a huge thing for me.

    And now on to the bigger news this morning… Today was measurement day! I have now been eating at a higher calorie level (and, unfortunately, not working out much) for four weeks, so it was time to check in with how my other progress went. While my upper arm and forearm stayed the exact same, the rest of my measurements all changed!

    Neck: Lost 0.5″
    Wrist: Lost 0.125″
    Chest: Lost 0.75″
    Belly Measurement #1: Lost 1.625″!
    Belly Measurment #2: Lost 1.625″!
    Hips: Lost 0.625″
    Abductors: Lost 0.625
    Thigh: Lost 0.25″
    Calf: Lost 0.5″
    Ankle: Lost 0.125″

    That is 6.75″ lost, basically just from increasing my calorie intake to where it should be! I see overall consistent changes, with the most change in my biggest problem area. I will take it for sure! I am definitely continuing with this and am excited to see what my measurements are in another four weeks, after I have added in exercise!

    I also took my progress pictures today… Only to find that I somehow have not taken them since the beginning of July. Somehow I did not end up with “starting” pictures from when I first started eating more calories four weeks ago. Oops! Oh well… The good news is that I could not see a single difference between now and the beginning of July, including in my muscle definition. After not having worked out for a month, I will take that! And now I have a good set of pictures to compare with next month!