I had an interesting revelation about myself tonight. As a bit of background, let me start by saying that I gave a painting that I did to a friend today. She is pregnant and it is something I made for them to hang in her daughter’s bedroom. I even consulted with them, to make sure that I was going to paint something they would actually like. Everyone loved the painting at the shower, and even more people have now said so after they posted a picture on Facebook. Here is the crazy thing… I am still doubting myself and whether it is actually any good.
Why in the world is that?? I grew up in a very supportive home, one that fully encouraged any endeavor I chose to partake in, from softball to art to singing to schoolwork in general. My parents never had a bad word to say, even when I chose to back out of a few things (did anyone else suddenly become a complete klutz once puberty had fully kicked in??). So I have absolutely no clue where this tendency for self-doubt comes from within me. And, I have something that is even crazier sounding… I actually do think that I am a decent artist (and a decent singer, for that matter). But I still doubt whether anyone else will actually think so. I do not even know how to explain this without coming off sounding like I am just asking you all for praise or something. In fact, I am really not wanting that at all.
The revelation part of this whole thing (since none of this is new news for me) is that I think this actually relates to my weight-loss issues that I have had lately. In some bizarre and twisted way, I think that I have been sabotaging myself lately because I doubt whether I am actually worth it… Whether I deserve to be healthy. I will be honest… I have had a HORRIBLE week. I actually do not even know if I can put myself through the misery of stepping on the scale tomorrow. But I do know one thing… I will be getting in a major workout. I am stating right here and now that I will be doing a long walk tomorrow, plus I will be starting 30 Day Shred. And I will be eating healthy and tracking everything and drinking enough water. My reasons for doing this, even after having this revelation? Because, even if I am doubting in the deepest recesses of my mind lately whether I am worth it, I know in the very depth of my soul that my family is worth it. My daughter deserves to know what it is like to have a healthy mom. My husband deserves to not have to worry about his wife not being here. My family deserves to have many, many, MANY fun years with me.
That is why I will do what I need to do tomorrow. I am promising myself and my family that right now.