(This post was written on 6/26, but not posted until 6/27)
Here’s the thing… I am doing horribly right now. I will be completely honest here and say that I am disgusted with myself. I have been bad the past few days, but tonight was the worst I have been in a LONG time. I cannot even begin to guess how many calories I ate, including some that I even scarfed down in secret. Yep. I did that. I am admitting it here and now. It makes me want to cry, just thinking about it. Not to mention how terrible my body feels right now.
And the crazy thing? The whole time, I had this voice in my head screaming at me… “Don’t do this, you’re worth more than this, you are already full, you don’t even want that food!”. Did I listen? Nope. Did I feel guilty the entire time? Yep. But tonight I reached the bottom of the pit that I have been climbing into for a few months now. I have officially reached the point in my food addiction that I have turned so far from where I once was, that I have two choices. I can give in and go back to the person that I once was, go back to all those bad habits, and allow myself to gain back the sixty pounds that I have lost. Or I can stop sabotaging myself, get myself back in gear, and refocus. It is definitely time to refocus!
Tonight, after I finished stuffing my face full of food, I did something I have never done. I redid my monthly workout board, in the middle of the month. Even on bad months, I have never erased it until it was time to set up the next month’s schedule. But I NEEDED to have a new schedule, tonight. So I redid the schedule for the last four days of the month, plus most of July. My focus at this point is the next few weeks, which is how long I have to train for my first ever 5k run. In fact, I did not fill out a single day after the 5k… I need something solid to focus on right now. I thought long and hard tonight and realized that I may have a reason I have been having such a hard time lately. When I first started out on my weight-loss journey, I set so many little goals along the way, plus I had my ultimate “end” goal. I have now lost right around 60 pounds, which is fantastic. But I have been in this stasis area for along a year now, where I still have changes I want made, and I am not happy with where my body is at, but I am not seeing many changes happen. I am also at a point where I need to readdress what I want my “end” goal to be… And I do not think that it can be a number. Would I love to see the 120′s for the first time since I was probably in middle school? Absolutely! But I honestly do not think it is possible for my body, unless I want to lose all the muscle and toning I have worked so hard to achieve. I think the self-sabotage comes into play at this point… I have worked so very hard and am now having to change my original goals, that my insides are trying to fight it. My mind is a messed up place apparently! Lol. I do not even know if this makes any sense at all to anyone but me.
I feel so strongly about this that I actually erased a quote that I have had on my fridge for probably a year now.
“Imagine that day, where you can finally say, “I did it!” When you can say,“I never gave up, I never quit!” Imagine that day when you win that gold medal, or reach your goal weight. Where these moments of pain turn into memories for that goal you wanted to obtain. It might take long to reach that moment, but as soon as you get there you’ll thank your self for the rest of your life.”
The first time I ever read this quote, I got tears in my eyes and that tight feeling in my throat, just thinking about feeling this. I still LOVE this quote. And I still absolutely want to feel this. But it cannot be my focus. My focus needs to be in the here and now. It needs to be on EACH goal that I set for myself, not just the “end” goal. I am going to be setting some new goals this week, ones that are not only weight-related. One of them will for sure be to run my first 5k. And I know that I will feel incredibly proud when I reach that goal, whether it happens tomorrow or next month or next year.
Now that I have completely gone off on a tangent, let me direct you back to me redoing my exercise schedule! Lol. It is pretty simple. Every other day is 5k training. The in between days are toning days. And I will be doing some extra cardio on some of the toning days, plus some yoga on some days. My toning with be the TurboFire Tone and Sculpt workouts. Simple. Easy to stick with. Great results. And I will not be turning back this time.
I am still working on my food goals. I feel like I need to make some changes (other than the obvious ones) and I am still trying to figure out what that looks like. I will let you know as soon as I know! And keep an eye out for my new set of goals!!
Ps… What types of goals would you be setting for yourself if you were in my shoes?